So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
