she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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