Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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