Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
