I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize