Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize