Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
