I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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