Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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