My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
