You were right. It hurts to walk today.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
