I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
