Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
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