i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
