Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize