dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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