did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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