the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I think my moral compass just broke
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
