If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
