Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
