I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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