I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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