Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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