Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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