New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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