News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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