If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
