highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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