I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize