Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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