Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
