totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
