Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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