I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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