I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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