just come out here and I will go home with you...
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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