i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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