so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
