I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
