Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
