well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
