Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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