I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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