Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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