I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize