Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
