I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
