Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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