i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
