Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Randomize
