Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
