I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Randomize