Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize