Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
