hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
my shit smells like andre
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
