You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
