There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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